


I KILLED PAUL STINE

by Adamarks



Series: Tumblr Prompts [3]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Crack, F/M, M/M, hello this is my sick fic (:, omg can I count this as a sick fic, tumblr prompt fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25833109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adamarks/pseuds/Adamarks
Summary: Based on the tumblr prompt from clev: hi jay. So simon is the zodiac killer
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Shepard, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Tumblr Prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978117
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	I KILLED PAUL STINE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clevelandy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clevelandy/gifts).



> I have nothing to say for myself

“Shepard, I think I’m the Zodiac Killer,” Simon said. I could tell the dude was really choked up about this. He sounded frantic.

“Wha.”

“You gotta listen to me. I tried to tell Baz but he’s pissy because he has to be up early for work—“ I lift the phone away from my ear to check the time: 6:32 a.m. “— said it’s too early to deal with my shit. It’s _not_ shit, though.”

“Dude, what are you talking about?”

_“I killed Paul Stine, bro!”_

Penny groans and peeks at me. “Who’re you talking to?”

“Simon.”

“Yeah?” He says.

“I’m talking to Penny.”

“Oh.”

“Simon?” She wakes up a bit. “What’s wrong?”

“He says he’s the Zodiac Killer.”

Penny’s face goes deadpan. (She looks like she’s doing a, like, _really_ good impression of that Ben Affleck meme.) She rolls back over and points at the door. “Living room,” she grumbles.

I side eye her and climb out of bed. “Yes, light of my life.”

I go into the living room and plop down onto the sofa. The sun isn’t even starting to rise yet; the room’s dark as shit.

“So, how are you the Zodiac Killer?”

Simon coughs, it sounds wet and awful. Yikes. “Well, last week someone told me I look like Ted Cruz.”

_“What.”_

“And Davy went batshit. What if I went batshit?”

“I— it doesn’t work like that. And the murders happened in the seventies, dude.”

“What if I time traveled?!”

“Speakers can _do that?”_

Simon sniffles. “I dunno, but I have fucking wings and a tail. I don’t see why I couldn’t go back to the seventies after going insane.”

This isn’t a solid theory, but fuck, I can’t find any holes to poke in it.

“Simon,” I hear Baz on the other end of the line. “I’m leaving. How’s your fever?”

“Baz, who gives a shit about my fever. _I’m a serial killer.”_

I hear some flutters and a slap. “Stop hitting me with your wing! You’re not the bloody Zodiac Killer.”

_“But I look like Ted Cruz.”_

“They said _Tom_ Cruise, you imbecile.” _Oh._ Yeah, still doesn’t make sense. “Now let me take your temperature!”

“No! Leave me alone! I’m a _murderer!”_

“Yes, we all know. You’ve been killing things since first year!”

“ _Those don’t count!_ Stop hitting me with the pillow!”

“You started it!”

“No I di—“

Suddenly the line goes dead.

I look at the clock on my phone: 6:37.

I go back to bed.

Baz texts me later that Simon stayed up all night watching Zodiac documentaries while loopy with a fever.

(I dunno, though. Maybe he was onto something.)


End file.
